How to Effectively Communicate with Teenagers
For many, the two most challenging stages of their children’s development are when they turn toddler and teenager. This makes sense. There are similarities; no doubt you’ve heard some version or other of the phrase ‘3 going on 13? Both phases developmentally are looking for independence, dealing with major situational changes and shifts in brain chemistry. However, there is also the complete lack of experience and context to process and deal with these things. Ultimately, teens and toddlers are simultaneously looking for support and independence in equal measure; but on their terms. All that said, similarities there may be, but they are not one and the same. The experience they have is not interchangeable as this is about the transition from child to adult, not baby to child and you might often find yourself wondering how to effectively communicate with the teenagers in your life.
Teenagers are Not Toddlers
Fixating on this comparison is a fast track to adopting condescending preconceptions of this difficult time. In fact, the key change you need to make to your mindset (if you haven’t already) is to stop thinking of them in terms of a child. When you do, that’s how you slip into a tone that makes your teen feel like you don’t understand or appreciate them.
The most common complaint you’ll hear from adolescents is that they hate being treated like kids. That’s hard for most parents to hear. After all, you’ve dedicated your life to nurturing, raising and protecting that same child. It isn’t about your ego though and it is complicated. Obviously, a teenager is still a child and you do have a responsibility to keep children in your care safe (whether they want you to, or not).
What it all comes down to is boundaries and respecting them.
Stop, Collaborate and Listen…
…Aaron is back with a brand new invention.
Well, not so new actually. Although it feels like it from time to time. Preconception is the enemy of effective communication with anyone, let alone an adolescent. So, stop doing that and start showing empathy. Work with them by listening, learning and understanding. Judgement and disapproval will do nothing but divide.
The biggest concerns in your eyes and the greatest in theirs might not be the same thing but what matters to them is of critical importance if it impacts their well-being. Even if you don’t really think their social life, hobbies or fixations in this particular moment matter in the grand scheme of things. Actually, they do.
Give your teenager your time, effort and attention. Offer suggestions and opinions only if they’re constructive to the receiver. Separate your age prejudices and preconceptions from the moment. Basically, talk as equals.
Don’t Dictate, Mentor
Adolescence is the final sprint from childhood to adulthood and seeing the finish line makes our ‘not-quite children’ more defiant and (honestly) a little more cocky. To continue the analogy though; it isn’t your place to finish the race for them and they won’t appreciate you getting in their way or telling them how to do it. Simply put, your job is to support. To cheer on. But, you don’t just need to be a cheerleader, you also need to be a mentor.
Ultimately, what this means is do not ask loaded questions. Don’t tell but inform and give your teen the tools to make their own informed decisions. If something has consequences, talk through them but don’t take the task of deciding away.
Keep it Cool
A teenager will inevitably challenge you. What I mean is that sooner or later, conflict is inevitable. Sometimes unreasonably so, sometimes not. Put this down to biology, psychology or anything else, but the point is they’ll push you time and time again. However,when you fight fire with fire, one of two things happen; either you get burned or run out of air to breathe.
The unfortunate reality is that you won’t always be able to stay calm and that sometimes your emotions will get the better of you but that’s OK. These things happen. When things get too hot, if and when you can; step away. Fighting anyone in an emotional state will only cause them to dig their heels in, teenagers are no different. You won’t be heard anyway, so why cause unnecessary stress for you both?
Take a moment, if you can. You’ll more likely communicate effectively with the teenagers in your life with a level head.
The Busy Papa
Also known as Aaron, The Busy Papa focuses on lifestyle, parenting and personal wellbeing content. He has two decades experience in creative writing (including several published poems) and strongly dislikes (though tolerates) tomatoes.
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