How to Negotiate with a Toddler

I bet you’re looking for that magical, super easy, stress-free way to get your two year old to do what you told them, right? Honestly, you’re better off riding on your golden Pegasus to the north pole to court Santa and adopt his elves. It isn’t going to happen. You cannot negotiate with a toddler.

Trying to do so, is expecting to reason with the unreasonable! We’re talking a little human with just enough communication knowledge to say they wont be doing that; it is not going to work. Sorry.

You might have heard this spiel, or something quite similar before but it isn’t entirely true. You cannot negotiate with a toddler in traditional ways; but it is not impossible to get them to do what you want, some of the time.

Don’t Be A Dictator

I’ve heard many times that you shouldn’t try to negotiate with children. That you should be unflinching and dominating in your authority. This is not right. If that works for you, great. It does not work for me and I couldn’t in good conscience recommend that anyone does tackle dealing with kids in this way.

Barking orders at a young child wont work. The reason that the terrible twos are a thing is because at this age, your little hurricane of trouble is learning free will. Guess what? They are not afraid to exercise it! What they’ll do instead is use their limited repertoire of communicative actions to express how much they would rather be smearing banana over the TV than putting their clothes on. This means ‘no’, ‘why’, lashing out, running away or maybe the dreaded tantrum.

What You Need to Know to Negotiate with a Toddler

There is a difference between spoiling your child, giving in and bargaining with them.

The thing is, negotiating is not about getting what you want. It’s about both gaining mutually. A two-way street. A give and take. How do you do that with someone so young, who is still developing their sense of logic?

The trick is to make your little terror feel like they’re the one gaining; not losing out.

So, let’s say it’s a battle over veggies. Don’t threaten to deny them pudding. Instead, offer to give them dessert if they do. That isn’t to say that this will work every time, we’re dealing with a little human. They have moods (and do they ever). You may still end up with spaghetti thrown in your hair or carrots squashed onto the wall.

The point is; at this stage in development your child is more likely to react negatively when told he or she can’t have something than being told they will if they do this small thing. Consistency is important though.

This is the foundational truth behind communication and negotiation with a toddler. Do so in a way that makes sense to them.