How To Know If Your Dog is an A**hole

Disclaimer: the contents of this post (no matter how badly) are intended as parody and humour and advice should not be taken too literally. No dog is truly an a*hole, this is a joke piece assuming all readers know all dogs are just the goodest of boys (or girls).

For many, having a pet is an important part of family life. The animal(s) in their lives are integral to the foundations of their family and a means for the children to not feel the lowest in the family chain-of-command.  Though I’ve had my fair share of pets in the past, I haven’t owned a pet now since 2009. That’s a remarkably long time.  Growing up there were terrapins, rabbits, cats and dogs to name a few. With experience in mind, I’d like to take a moment to draw from my experience and that of my family (thanks to my sister) to help you know if your dog is a bit of an a**hole.

The Dog Loves The Other Human More

You feed the dog, clean up after it, walk it and still the second your partner, kids or any other human being walks through the door, the pooch fails to acknowledge your existence.

It Farts and then Leave the Room

It’s disgusting smelling but whatever. It’s nature. However, when your they leave the room after, you know they are trolling you.

They Spend Thirty Minutes in the Garden and Then Pees and/or Poops Inside

…and you’re sure the little troublemaker is smiling whilst they’re doing it.

The Dog Ignores You at the Park and Begins a Series of Conquests

Yeah, okay, hear me out. I know it’s an animal and a beast is gonna go do beast things but just take a moment and imagine your reaction if any other member of the family did this.

They Beg For Your Food but Won’t Eat Theirs

Completely acceptable to tell the dog to f*** off. I paid extra for the jelly and gravy you got in that tin!

They Chew and/or Head-butt the Furniture

You’re being tested and guess what? You’re losing. This dog knows you’re the beta and they’re going to keep on reminding you.

The Dog Flees the Garden at 11pm on Christmas Eve and Comes Back at 5am Christmas Day

Meanwhile, you’ve been out all night looking for it. Haven’t slept. Consulted one of your other humans who is in tears and have destroyed your damn vocal chords yelling it’s name.

They Play Dumb When Your Mother Walks in to You In Your Coolest Hat and Sunglasses Cuddling the Dog Singing Right Said Fred’s ‘I’m Too Sexy’

What? Is this about me when I was 7? No! WHAT’RE you talking about? You didn’t mention a 7 year old… err… check out this post about monkeys.

So, there you have it! Some sure-fire ways to tell if the canine member(s) of your family are being a**holes to you. I would suggest taking them to training but you probably think these qualities are endearing. If so, you’ve really screwed the pooch on this one.

Images supplied by Instagram: magic.xout